Friday, May 25, 2007

"But I'm on a Diet"

It's 12:25. There is no one in line, only Bill and a new woman sitting at the table. I make a mental note of the tasks I have to do, and figure I can get out of the kitchen by 1:15. I can get back home by 1:30. A few chores around the house, and I'll have the rest of my day free after 3. Maybe I'll drive to the nearest state park and go for a hike... a voice interrupts my internal monologue.

"We have a problem." It's Daisy. She's a first year college student, and has been volunteering regularly for 7 years.

"What's up?" I ask.

"The woman has a special request." Daisy rolls her eyes and points to the plate in her hands. "She says she's on a diet and wants all meat and no veggies and no pasta."

"Are you serious?"

" can talk to her if you want. "

I grab the plate, head out of the kitchen, and into the dining room. The customer is an obese woman, clenching a butter knife in her left hand and a fork in her right, with fists upturned. Her face has an expectant look, and falls visibly when she sees I am holding the same plate she sent back.

"Is there a problem miss?" I ask, only slightly hoping my annoyance doesn't show through the thin veneer of pleasantness I am projecting.

"Uh-huh...I jus' want some groun' beef and nothin' else!" she responds rudely.

"Ma'am this beef is already mixed in with pasta and veggies in a casserole. We don't have any by itself."

"But I'm on a diet!!! I'm doing Atkins cuz my cholesterol is high!" she whines.

I don't know too much about the Atkins diet, other than its insistence on protein and fat and no carbs. But, I'm pretty sure Atkins isn't beneficial to cholesterol level, especially one that I'm guessing is hovering at 300.

"I'm sorry ma'am, there's really nothing else..."

In reality, we do have a few pieces of leftover chicken in the fridge. But I'm in a pissy mood, I don't believe her, and it really isn't fair that she should get better food than the rest.

"You axing me to pick out the ground beef and jus' eat that??" She now has an incredulous look on her face.

I'm thinking about how to answer, when Bill motions me over. In a voice that is loud enough for everyone, in even the kitchen to hear, he says-

"She ate the tuna noodle casserole yesterday. I saw her."

I look back over at the woman. Clearly she has heard what Bill said. But she's in no mood to accept defeat.

"Yeah I did. But I wasn't on Atkins then!"

Now it's my turn to stare incredulously.

"You just started Atkins today?"

"Naw, naw. I gotsta balance it out. I do Atkins on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday, and jus' eat everything else on the other days."

The reason for her lack of success on the diet becomes stunningly clear...


Anonymous katie said...

Wow...was she serious?

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Lost in Mallorca said...

HAHAHAHAHA! How about Atkins on Sunday, South Beach on Tuesday, Lemon Cleanse Wednesday-Friday, and Bulimia on Saturday??

8:25 PM  
Blogger Manuel said...

Eek, hahahahaha, poor love...

5:54 AM  
Blogger Steve said...

Back in Jersey, we call that the Fatkins diet.

8:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's . . . shockingly stupid.

7:24 PM  
Blogger Sharpie said...

haha, that's great.

I really enjoy your stuff-- I've added you as a link to my page:

4:13 PM  
Blogger Moxie said...

Found you through Liquor Store Stories. That is classic. And I like the Fatkins diet comment.

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are all so unkind! If you volunteer at a soup kitchen do not make fun of the customers online without even considering the conditions they live in! And btw I am darn twelve and I know better than that! Humph!!!!!

1:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Judgmental white people

3:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know you haven't posted in years but thank you for volunteering. You did something really great and I hope you will come back one day and update us.

11:08 AM  

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